You know me; always promoting the printed paper … but in the immortal words of one Mandy Rice Davis, ‘he would, wouldn’t he!’
In one sense, you always know what you are going to get in your paper, but conversely, you also never know what you are going to get when you open your newspaper. The most important thing is that we get real, fact-based information; unlike the string of misinformation that any yahoo can post on Twitter and social media.
A lot of newsprint is devoted to sports coverage – and even after attending a match, it is always interesting to read a journalist’s take on the same match. As well as news coverage, crosswords, promotions, obituaries and court cases are all an integral part of your friendly newspaper.
Like we said, you never know what you might read in your paper and today we are going to totally surprise you with a selection of newspaper headlines that came out sounding all wrong. These are all genuine headings and you will wonder how they ever got past an editor. I know they wouldn’t get past mine! The unexpected incredulity that you will get here is hopefully twinned with at least one good belly laugh. You will find these, mostly American gems, difficult to believe they were ever printed – but I have copies of all the clippings … so here we go!
‘HOSPITALS RESORT TO HIRING DOCTORS – physician shortage prompting move, administrators say.’ Whatever about not knowing what you will find in your newspaper, surely the fact that a hospital was hiring doctors was no earth-shattering news?
‘FEDRAL AGENTS RAID GUN SHOP, FIND WEAPONS.’ I don’t know where that one came from, but the next gem appeared in a San Francisco paper and covered the fact that parents of 200 kids kept them home as a form of protest: ‘PARENTS KEEP KIDS HOME TO PROTEST SCHOOL CLOSURE.’ If we can give you another school one, which comes with a photo of a group of men singing and under the heading of; ‘BARBERSHOP SINGERS BRING JOY TO SCHOOL FOR THE DEAF.’ (God, but this is making us all look so good in this paper!)
‘TIGER WOODS PLAYS WITH OWN BALLS, NIKE SAYS’ ….and moving quickly on from that headline disclosure, we come to one from the ‘Winchester Star; ‘STUDY SHOWS THAT FREQUENT SEX ENHANCES PREGNANCY CHANCES’! Then there is another one based, I am sure, on very intensive journalistic research: The heading tells us that ‘HOMICIDE VICTIMS RARELY TALK TO POLICE.’
You would imagine that ‘The Associated Press’ might do better, but this next one is one of theirs; ‘MIRICLE CURE KILLS FIFTH PATIENT.’ I think I shall just give you a few more and without any comment from me, other than to say the next one came from ‘The News Observer’
’17 REMAIN DEAD IN MORGUE SHOOTING SPREE.’ ‘BRIDGES HELP PEOPLE CROSS RIVERS.’ ‘MAN ACCUSED OF KILLING LAWYER RECEIVES NEW ATTORNEY.’ ‘DIANA WAS STILL ALIVE HOURS BEFORE SHE DIED.’ ‘STARVATION CAN LEAD TO HEALTH HAZZARDS.’ ‘TOTAL LUNAR ECLIPSE WILL BE BROADCAST LIVE ON NORTHWOODS PUBLIC RADIO.’ ‘STATISTICS SHOW THAT TEEN PREGNANCY DROPS OFF SIGNIFICENTLY AFTER THE AGE OF 25.’ ‘NEW SICK POLICY REUIRES 2-DAY NOTICE.’ ‘REPUBLICANS TURNED OFF BY THE SIZE OF OBAMA’S PACKAGE.’ ‘RANGERS GET WHIFF OF COLON.’
That should be enough to keep you sniggering for a day, dear readers; so we’ll conclude our list with one from The Toronto Star; ‘MARIJUANNA ISSUE SENT TO A JOINT COMMITTEE.’
The bizarro about all of those headlines is that they were all accurately giving a fair account of the story to follow. It is the usage and application of the words that maketh the mirth – or as Frank Carson might say; ‘it’s the way I tell them.’
It isn’t only in the written word that stating a fact can come across all wrong. Radio has hit many a pitfall over the years – and I’d like to relate a clip I heard from local radio in America about forty years ago.
A small southern town was hosting its annual garden fete and farming task fair. One such competition was the garden hoeing competition; and this year there was massive excitement brought into the commentators report, due to the fact that a woman had won it for the first time ever. It went something like this – in a long southern drawl. “And finally folks, this is a first … It is my great honour and pleasure to announce that Miss Sue Ellen Dawson is this year’s champion hoer … ho .. ho … hoerrr … ho … hoerrrr; The winner of this year’s hoeing competition is Miss Sue Ellen Dawson. Thank you –and good evening!”
Don’t Forget
Some people use language to express thought, some to conceal thought, and others instead of thought.
