The Lads were discussing YCBS in the pub the other night. ‘A splendid concept’, claimed the guy who is good at English. ‘A great idea for a column – it can be about anything’, added another. ‘If only they had someone else to write it’, said a third and this was the unanimous conclusion to that topic.
So, taking on board the fellow’s findings, we decided not only to have someone else write the column this week – but in fact we have engaged a large team of writers to do the job. These are extracts from genuine letters of complaint sent into local authorities and councils in the UK. It will be difficult for you to credit some of the letters, but you do need to bear in mind that these are all real people with genuine grievances and not a word has been altered.
We’ll commence with a couple of mild ones – just to get you into the frame of things …
‘The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared! ‘Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink!’ ‘Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now in three pieces!’ ‘Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it!’ ‘This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2!’ ‘My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?’ ‘It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow!’ ‘I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall!’ ‘50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy!’
And now, dear respectable readers of this newspaper; this is where we move on to the X-rated stuff – and as they warn on some late-night TV films, ‘discretion is advised!’ Any of you with a delicate constitution are advised to move onto the safer ground of Damien Maher’s ‘Extra Mile.’
‘Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence!’ ‘I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off!’ ‘I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen!’ ‘Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant!’
The Lads are loving this and if you yourself haven’t yet had enough of it, from here on we are moving into the realm of XXX-Rated material. If you don’t understand the significance of this, or it is too much for you, just skip along to ‘Ask you Pharmacist’, where Eamon Brady has a cure for everything.
‘I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night!’ ‘I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction!’ ‘I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me!’ ‘Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife!’ ‘The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous!’
There are a couple more that we won’t chance here. You could only read them after requesting delivery in a plain white envelope!
So there you have it, Gorls – and if you don’t like this one, talk to the Lads. If any of you are smugly thinking that this style of letter complaint only happens in England – well think again! I have seen a few copies of letters received by some of our TDs over the years – and there aren’t enough Xs to cover the content of some of them!
We wrote a YCBS many years ago on chucklesome excuses that defendants gave for the law-breaking that caused them to stand before the judge’s bench. I had spent a day attending a hearing of the Law Society in Dublin and at lunch break, I amused myself by copying some of these gems from the restaurant wall.
Would you like to hear the one about …. No? Ah OK so … see you next week!
Thank God every morning when you get up that you have something to do that day which must be done whether you like it or not. Being forced to work and forced to do your best will breed in you temperance and self-control; diligence and strength of will; cheerfulness and content; and a hundred other virtues the idle never know. (Charles Kingsley 1819 – 1875)