You Can’t Be Serious - ‘The good life…’
You Can’t Be Serious – ‘The good life…’

I love my shower. I would go as far as saying that never in the history of showers has there been a man who loves his shower more than me. You might not always think that it shows, because according to Mrs Youcantbeserious, I go around a lot of the time ‘looking like a tramp!’ This is because I am a dirt-farmer I suppose. Anyway, some of you may remember that last Sunday morning was cold, wintry and windy. After tending to the beasts in the field, I withdrew indoors and up the stairs to our state of the art pressure shower.

Oh, the pleasure of the hot jets on delicate skin when you come in wet and frozen. As well as hosing down the world famous equipment, (as Ross O’Carroll-Kelly might put it) I find that I do some of my most profound thinking in the shower. The suds seems to clear the inside of my head along with my ears.

I was bereft of a subject for this week’s YCBS when I stepped into the shower, but by the time I grabbed the warm towel off the radiator, I knew what I was going to write about this week … the gift that keeps on giving, my shower!

But first a ceist for you, dear reader. How do you approach your shower? According to what I hear on the street, a lot of you ‘jump’ in the shower – and for the life of me, I cannot understand why? You ‘board’ a plane, ‘mount’ a horse, ‘exit’ a train, ‘alight’ from a bus, ‘enter’ a building; so why do so many of you tell me you are ‘going to jump in the shower’?

Those of you who don’t want to jump in the shower seem to ‘grab’ a shower instead? Personally, I do nothing more dramatic then step gently into the shower.

Read those first four words again. I love it! My shower would be much too hot for most of you, but this is my fifteen minutes of exquisite pleasure. Like I said, this water is hot! The shower has a large head (ah Lads … leave it!) with a huge volume of water cascading down on mine. When the water slowed to a trickle last year, I contacted John Lennon to see what the problem was.

John is the most knowledgeable authority on pipes since Adam’s plumber set up an irrigation system for the apple tree in the corner of the garden. (There was no rain in Eden). John found that the rubber lining had expanded inside the metal casing of the hose, because the water was too hot.

He replaced the hose and advised me to turn down the temperature of the shower. I looked him straight in the eye and told a barefaced lie; ‘I’ll do that, John!”

Where was I … Yes, about volume: If I’m to get fifteen minutes of hot water under pressure, I need a big reserve of hot water. In this regard, we have a back-boiler, oil-fired heat, and an immersion …. All hooked up to one large cylinder. Now, before you write into the editor calling me an environmental disaster, I have my own little policy of acquiring carbon credits in other ways.

Mrs Youcantbeserious is the total opposite to me when taking her shower. (No … she doesn’t ‘jump’ in it!) Number one, she always showers before me, if not at an entirely different time. On the rare occasion when I’m first, the last words I hear ringing in my ears, especially in Spain, are, “don’t use up all the hot water.” I generally do! Pamela’s shower is so short I refer to it as a ‘squib.’

For those of you who don’t know, a short light shower of rain is known as a ‘squib’ where I come from.

I have had a lot of showers in Spain. You might think that a hot shower doesn’t matter in a hot country: To me it does! The greatest fault I have to that beautiful country, with its beautiful people, is that all her hot water cylinders are too small! Any house or apartment I owned there, the first thing I did was to get ‘Mick-the-Builder’ of ‘Emerald Construction’ to remove the small cylinder, leave it outside for the Moroccans, and install the biggest one he could find for me!

No Lads, it isn’t that I am a ‘dirty divil’ – and I know ‘it’s far from hot showers I was reared’, but as the maverick soldier who was court-martialled on account of his antics in the shower said in his own defence; “as I see it, it my shower, my soap, my body – and so I’ll wash it as hard as I like!!”

Don’t Forget – Two vastly underrated pleasures are scratching and sneezing.

Bernie Comaskey Books