The Rockshore advertisements are truly virtuoso in advertising entertainment. I particularly like the one which includes the guy in the pub telling his mates that his ex-wife is getting married today. “He’s a pilot – lovely fellow …great head of hair!” Yer man, sitting on the stool, relishing his pint, is as bald as an egg!
Now, we need to be careful here. I can’t afford to lose any of my last few friends by offending anyone, and I have a couple of hairless buddies. It is rightfully said that if we live long enough we bury all our friends – and that’s bad enough, but also, the older we get, the less likely we are to replace those we lost. You see why I don’t wish to fall out with anybody over whether or not they use a comb; so stick with me for the qualification to follow, Lads.
Let’s rewind and start this column where it should have been started, by stating that baldness suits some men. I have a couple of friends and many acquaintances that I couldn’t picture as being anything other than bald. There are also a few professional and businessmen that I couldn’t see myself taking as seriously if they weren’t bald. Like I said, baldness definitely suits some men!
BUT …! I recently met a lady I last saw when I gave her a dance in the ‘Lakeland Ballroom’ – not today nor yesterday. ‘You still have a great head of hair’, she said. I left there wondering if I should read anything into the fact that the guy she married hadn’t a rib left by the time he was 40. I was too nervous to run this past the Lads, for fear of the previously mentioned offence risk, as half of them don’t need teeth in their comb.
Men treat the brewing baldness in different ways. Some guys keep rearranging the last straggling few strands like moving the deck-chairs on the Titanic, whilst others, like my brother Sean, get their retaliation in first by shaving the crown when it becomes obvious that the hair affray is lost.
I know a couple of men who wear wigs and strangely enough, raising the subject of a wig is taboo. You can joke about a man’s baldness and he’ll tell you; ‘grass never grows on a busy street’, or ‘God only made so many perfect heads and then he covered the rest with hair’: You can do like that old flame of mine and say ‘you still have a great head of hair’; but take it from me, folks, you cannot – I mean cannot, ever mention a man’s wig!
Strangely enough, they tell us that the baldness gene is inherited from the mother. From time to time you may read that scientists have identified the baldy gene – and for as long as I can remember, every so often, you will be told of a breakthrough in curing baldness. Don’t believe it … currently there is no cure for baldness. Mind you, I don’t know how the growth is going on top of Wayne Rooney’s head these days, but I seem to remember him having a much publicised hair transplant. By all accounts those of us with ‘a great head of hair’ can avail of a vibrant market out there for human hair.
Almost a third of men have lost their thatch by the age of 45 and this is doubled by the age of 60. Research indicates that 14 per cent of men have the bald gene and 70 per cent of those will join the bald brigade early. A diet rich in lean protein, whole grains, healthy fats, fresh fruits and vegetables is said to be best for healthy hair – but don’t hold your breath on that one either! One suggestion I do believe is that stress can bring on greying of hair and ultimately the shedding of hair and baldness.
Finally, a word of consolation for those of you who ‘haven’t got a great head of hair’. I wasn’t going to include this – as I wouldn’t please the Lads – only for I need this last paragraph to fill my word count. The fact is that a survey among hundreds of women of different ages, nationalities and habits, threw up some interesting conclusions. The ceist was; ’Do women like bald men.’ An overwhelming majority, 87.5 per cent … would you believe, find bald men attractive.
Albert Reynolds was right; ‘that’s women for you …!’
Don’t Forget
Treat the earth well. It was not given to you by your parents; it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors – we borrow it from our children. (Native American proverb.)
