Every employer you talk to will tell you how difficult it is to find staff. In fact, it isn’t just employers; everyone has the same story … ‘it is impossible to get anyone to do anything!
Now you would imagine that certain jobs would be easy to fill – especially one loaded with prestige and a good salary to boot. What would you say if I told you that a job paying half a million a year, with a starting date next November isn’t attracting any interest – at least at time of writing this?
If I tell you that the position comes with a house … a big house; a gardener, servants and a car thrown in for good measure; wouldn’t you think that applicants would be falling over each other to apply for the job? No applicants yet, my friends.
I was often told, ‘you may do it yourself, Bernie’, but the thing is that I am more or less retired these days. The fact that I am the perfect age for this sort of employment did cause the thought to cross my mind about applying. I was only toying with the idea until I got the phone call last night. Elon rang me …
The call showed me once again how great minds think alike. ‘You have to go for this job’, Bernie,’ was the first thing that Elon … or ‘Muskey’ as he prefers to be called by his close friends.
‘With your experience of being a candidate in the Westmeath County Council elections of 2009, and with me behind you, you cannot lose this time. If you had me on board in 2009, I would have bought you those swing states of Raharney and Castlepollard; but this is the big one and you must go for it, Bernie’.
I was naturally totally gobsmacked. ‘But why this interest in promoting me, Muskey?’ ‘To tell you the truth, Bernie, it isn’t so much about you, but when you get a taste for this management trip – just like Davy Fitz and Mickey Harte, you cannot stop yourself from going after the next gig within a week of stepping down from the last one. We will be in this together – greatest friends of all time.’
‘Oh, I don’t know, Muskey; Mrs Youcantbeserious said she would leave if I ever were to put myself forward in another election’. ‘Tell her she would never have to cook again, Bernie; and with free trips and luxury accommodation all over the world … and she would be known as The First Lady’. ‘Mmm … that might do it … but I’m still not convinced, Muskey.’
‘First thing I’ll do is present you with a red Telsa, Bernie. Only driven once around the block and only one assh… I mean only one person ever sat in it.’ ‘That is kind of you, Muskey; but I’m not going to drive a Telsa around Mullingar; I couldn’t do that to Jim Bourke.’
‘But surely the job is not yours to give, Muskey. Ireland is a democracy, and I would have to be elected by the people.’ ‘Exactly, Bernie; you run on the populist policies that will ensure you will be a winner. I’ll be you slash and crash aide. We shall promise to abolish the Revenue Commissioners …’ Sorry to interrupt, Muskey; but where will that lost revenue to run the country come from?’ ‘I’m coming to that, ‘Sir’ (he was now calling me, his best friend, Sir!) ‘We will put a toll on all bicycle lanes!’
’That can’t work, Muskey’, I stammered. ‘It doesn’t have to work, Sir … it only needs to work to get you elected. Motorists hate cyclists and they will vote for you – in their hundreds of thousands.’ I began to picture my portrait hanging on the Aras wall: Douglas Hyde, Mary Robinson, Eamon D, Michael D, Bernie C …
‘I am still having grave doubts that I am your man, Muskey. It costs 750K to run a presidential campaign in Ireland. My new best friend at the other end of the zoom call pressed a button. ‘Look at your phone, Sir’, he invited. ‘Holy Cow’, I exclaimed: There were half a dozen king-sized plastic chests, all with the lids open. Inside were neatly piled bundles of new dollar bills each containing a million dollars wrapped in cling film.
‘This is all yours, Mr President-Elect’, informed my aide. Understandably I found myself caught for words whilst trying to take in the vastness of this pile of money. I didn’t know what to think or say, but suddenly I was overwhelmed by this surge of patriotism swelling up in my chest. ‘You have me, Muskey … I am willing to serve my country!’
Whether it was the excitement or the alarm clock … It was then I woke up!
Don’t Forget
Under the Irish Constitution every man has the right to make a fool of himself.
